• Why I Quit

    A post that’s been sitting in my drafts for several weeks, something I’ve typed and retyped and hovered over the publish button. If you’re reading this, then I finally pressed publish and it took some nerve to do so.

    Something I’ve kept very private recently is how unhappy I’ve been. You might’ve seen the odd tweet from me, but otherwise I’ve kept it all under wraps. There’s been a few reasons for this, firstly y’know the phrase ‘fuelling the fire’ well I knew fine well if I was to be more open about being unhappy and the reasons why, it would only encourage certain individuals. Trust me, I’m no stranger to bullying.

    Imagine waking up every weekday, dreading the day ahead. Stressing about what might happen, what someone might say before you’ve even got up and had a cuppa. It’s like having the Sunday night blues, but every night – to the point where it impacts your Friday and Saturday evenings. Two days that should never be welcome to thoughts of work. Then Sunday; well that awful feeling came creeping up from the moment my eyes flickered open and only got progressively worse. I had to do something about it.

    Stupidly, perhaps, I thought it was my own fault. I was too sensitive, reading things the wrong way but when I found myself reassured by friends and family, and I could go to blog events and feel welcomed and actually appreciated, I realised it certainly wasn’t me. It was the toxic individuals who had decided for whatever reason, they didn’t like me.

    I guess a part of it comes down to blogging and Hello Freckles. I don’t expect everyone to understand what I do on the internet and that’s totally fine. But it’s another thing to be mocked and made to feel less worthy because of something you do outside of work and something you’re actually proud of. A brand I’m trying to grow and working on myself in any free moment outside of the 9-5.

    So I quit. I worked my notice and got out of that environment. I’d had enough of the snide remarks, being purposefully ignored and everything else that came along with it. It was bullying and something I didn’t want to admit I was going through, At first I didn’t want to tell anyone how down I was feeling but it was clearly impacting on my life outside of work. Family, friends, relationships and even blogging to some extent too. I’d come home feeling awful, sometimes to the point of being ill and the last thing I’d want to do would be open up my laptop and type up some content about the latest launch party I attended, or a style piece. Yes I was in a stable permanent job but it was clear I had no room to grow and progress within the business, my wage wasn’t anywhere near enough a reason to stay and I didn’t feel valued. Life is too short to be unhappy and we can always make a change.

    Thankfully I have a strong support network who backed my decision and I’m lucky that my current situation doesn’t involve paying off a mortgage or looking after a family. I realise that I am grateful and I know there may be others out there who have experienced this and aren’t able to get out as easy.

    I’m not sharing this as a ‘look at me, I quit’ and expecting praise from my decision. Sometimes fellow bloggers or PRs will ask about work and I initially feel a bit embarrassed to say “oh actually I’m not there anymore..etc.” but why should I be embarrassed for doing something that I did for valid reasons? Sitting down to write this post, I wasn’t sure where to start or even how much I would or should be sharing. I just felt I needed to share my thoughts in the hope that it might help others. What I dealt with on a daily basis was awful. At first I didn’t recognise it as bullying, but maybe I was naive to think it was just a blip, a fad, something I’d work through. Months later when things weren’t any better and my self confidence had almost drained I realised I needed to step up and do something. It is never okay to purposefully make someone feel bad, to make them question their own decisions, to make them feel so low about themselves. I honestly never thought I would experience something like this from grown adults my age and older, but I did.

    What I’m realising now, whilst I piece myself back together; it doesn’t make me any less of a person. I shouldn’t be embarrassed or feel like I failed. I worked there for a considerable amount of time, I worked hard and did just as much as other colleagues did, yet never reaped the same rewards. I got up, I left and I’m moving on to better things. Whether this time out will allow me to focus on blogging and pushing this to where I’d like it to take me, we’ll have to see. If I find myself working in another 9-5 role, then great. I’m not against that by any means but for now I need to put my happiness (and my health) first.

    I just hope that anyone who reads this and has gone through a similar situation knows one thing; you’re not alone. Whether you want to talk to a seemingly ‘stranger on the internet’ i.e. me, about it or not, you’re more than welcome to. Just promise me you will talk to someone and know deep down that your personal happiness is the most important thing. You’re a much bigger, better person than those who try to bring you down.

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  • Reply New Girl in Toon May 12, 2017 at 6:53 am

    I'm so happy for you Tash and so glad you took the leap. Adult bullying is awful and it's very difficult to know what to do in those situations. You definitely did the right thing! As you know I'm in a similar situation (although definitely not as awful as you had it!) and I hope that one day soon I get my confidence back and am as brave as you x

  • Reply Samantha Rickelton May 12, 2017 at 9:36 am

    Well done lovely – you'll look back on this time in a few years and realise you did the right thing. No one has the right to make you feel worthless xxx

  • Reply Ade-Lee Adebiyi May 12, 2017 at 9:52 am

    I'm happy you took the initiative to write this Tasha. Workforce bullying is not on and your self esteem can seriously suffer when you feel like you're worthless. It often boils down to the crowd you're in/associate yourself with. Always remember that you'll always have the most unlikely supporters. Sometimes they're harder to spot.

    It'll take some time to piece yourself back together but when you do, you will be stronger and wiser.

  • Reply rachel kershaw May 12, 2017 at 9:52 pm

    As you said yourself, life is to short, so we'll done you for getting yourself out of a situation that was bringing you down. I hope it's onwwards and upwards from here. Xx

  • Reply rachel kershaw May 12, 2017 at 9:53 pm

    Eeek, just noticed all my typos! Time for bed I think!!

  • Reply Jaide Poppy May 13, 2017 at 1:11 pm

    Great post and well done you for pressing publish! I've gone through a similar thing before at work which made me so ill and had to leave. It's a huge decision to make, but if it's the best for you then it's worth it. Your path in life will change but how exciting not knowing what's around the corner for you xoxo

  • Reply Katie C May 14, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    It's really brave of you to post about it, as I think it's something more people experience than you realise. I was bullied by an awful woman in my summer job at university, but I was lucky in that she was sacked (rumour said she failed a work's drug test) before it became too bad. I'm still not sure what I would have done if she'd stayed, I really needed the money, but I was rapidly getting fed up with dealing with her. I hope the next place you move to proves to be a good, supportive environment!

  • Reply Rachael Dickinson May 14, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    Good for you! Glad you took the plunge! It will make you feel so much better!

    Rachael xox

  • Reply Hello Jennifer Helen May 15, 2017 at 4:01 pm

    Well done – it's sometimes so hard to remove yourself from a difficult situation like that and know you're doing the right thing. Onwards and upwards to the next big thing!

    JH | hellojenniferhelen.com

  • Reply anon23121990 May 19, 2017 at 6:46 am

    I had a similar situation about a year ago, the company sacked me because "i didn't fit in with them" after months of bullying and setting me up to fail at every turn despite going above and beyond and putting my all in it, it was demoralizing and depressing, a very dangerous path for someone with mental health issues!
    Even though now i'm in an ok job I'm still fearful of not fitting in or making a small mistake because of that time, i wish i'd had the strength to walk away rather than be pushed at least you can hold your head high knowing you did what was right for you!

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